I Plan.

I plan. I planned events all through high school. I planned where to go to college. I planned parties. I planned trips. I planned to be a student missionary since I was five. Now, I plan menus, I plan my schedule, I plan lessons, I plan what to do with my life when this year is over...Overwhelming questions hang in my mind. What classes will be left for me to take at Union? When should I transfer to UNL? What about graduate school? How will I pay for it? When will I be able to live on my own? Where will I work until I finish school? How will I feel when I'm "home"? Who really misses me? Will  reverse culture shock leave me feeling lonely and lost in a world that is supposed to be so familiar? I've narrowly been here three months, and already the questions of next year plague me.

Then I pause. I feel a small little nudge, a reminder. 'Your life does not have to be so complicated. You don't have to have all the answers. This is simple. Leave your plans in the Hands that hold the universe.' When I try to figure life out on my own, it doesn't take long for fears to leave me questioning myself. However, if I call out to God and focus on Him, He gives me peace. Sometimes the peace doesn't come right away. Sometimes, although the weeping may cease, the joy isn't there in the morning quite like we want it to be. I'm learning that it's better to be real and admit struggles, rather than to put on a face and give people answers every good Sabbath School teacher wants to hear.

Being a student missionary doesn't mean you are on a spiritual "high" all year. Nor does it mean that you are a really "good person". When I first came to Honduras back in August, all of my "good person" reasons for coming here vanished. I doubted my decision, I wondered if I was in the right place, and I didn't know how to warm up to this place that was going to be my home for the next ten months (which can seem like forever). I asked myself why I would choose to be half a world away from my boyfriend that I love so much. I asked myself what I was supposed to do without my best friend of thirteen years a 6 minute drive away. I asked myself how I thought I would find happiness without my large and close-knit group of friends and family. Not to mention, how was I supposed to find my way around a new city with over-interested strangers that made me feel like I was living in a fish bowl?

So far from the people I love most, God has been teaching me that I need to love Him first. I need to love Him, so that I can truly love others. God has been showing me traits I need to work on, talents I need use, and habits I need to conquer. God is opening my heart to love more. He is teaching me how to rely on Him for each day, every class period, every moment. That doesn't mean life is easy! Please don't misunderstand. Trusting God means that even when life isn't easy, you can still have peace. You can still cling to His promises when all else is uncertain. You can still grasp onto hope even when all else leaves you. Trusting God means that in times like these, when I feel homesick and full of insecurities, I can have faith that God knows me. He knows all my many plans, and sometimes I think He must smile and say, 'Wait. Wait and see that My plans are even better than what you can imagine.'